charlotte chats · life

Charlotte Chats: Living in the Grey A-rea

Sexuality – It’s more complicated than you think

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Cast your mind back to 2011/12!?! What stage of your life were you at?!? I was 17/18 and at college, hating most of my subjects except for Media studies which enabled me to pick and choose the topics I wanted to delve further into. 

Already watching a lot of shows with sexualities represented, I settled on that topic. I wrote lengthy essays, did a presentation (which you could tell made a few uncomfortable) and looked into anything regarding the topic. (hey, it got me an A and I got to spend my essays writing all about Glee and Torchwood!)  

That was when I came across the wealth of different sexualities that are out there, half of which some of you probably don’t know even exist – I didn’t either! 

Something that I found that resonated with me was that every person has a romantic orientation and a sexual orientation. For some they are aligned, romantic & sexual attraction for the opposite gender. And some they aren’t. 

Whilst it was a topic I was always interested in, I never really gave my sexuality a seconds thought – I was straight and that was that!

But the more I thought about it as I grew up I always knew that I just wasn’t acting that way people my age were “supposed to act”, so what happens when you don’t have primary sexual attraction to anyone? I explained this to a friend who said I could be demisexual so I looked it up and I pretty much fit the bill! Falling into the Grey-A category: A demisexual is a person who experiences romantic feelings for someone (in my case people of the opposite gender) but who may only experience sexual attraction if a strong emotional connection with that person is made. It comes from being half way between Sexual and Asexual 

Looking back on my teenage years it made sense, I was never as interested in relationships and sex as my friends were. I always refused to play spin the bottle, feeling physically sick and having panic attacks at the thought of having to kiss another person and I never, like literally never, had a crush in the teenage sense of the word (that guy in class who you’ve never spoken to like ever)! I was always the one who was most likely to become lonely cat lady, and people used to get annoyed and think I didn’t trust them enough to tell them who I liked but I genuinely didn’t think of anyone that way. 

Whilst I don’t currently ‘like’ anyone, I have liked a small handful of guys in my lifetime but I have never been sexually attracted to any of them. I find romantic attraction happens a lot easier and is a lot easier to handle!

As a teenager some people just assume you are “a prude” or “too picky” if you feel that way  and people have said to me well you’ve never been in a relationship so how’d you know?! Or you just haven’t tried you’ll change your mind. Being on the asexual spectrum is about attraction and feelings and not behaviours!

Sometimes giving yourself a label, wether people believe it to be true or not, really helps you not feel so alone and that what your feeling isn’t strange. I believe sexuality is a fluid thing and everyone including myself is still discovering who they are on a daily basis but I’m equally more comfortable since those media classes all those years ago, knowing the way I have felt for the majority of my teenage years and early twenties has a name! unnamed

In the likelihood that I have done a really bad job at explaining this there is a brilliant resources online that explains it like a bajillion times better and that have been bookmarked in my phone pretty much since I was 17  –

http://demisexuality.org/

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual

Until Next Time,

Laugh, Love and Shop

Charlotte xx

*this blog-post is courtesy of 19 year old Charlotte who sent it to her drafts and was too scared to hit publish until now……

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9 thoughts on “Charlotte Chats: Living in the Grey A-rea

  1. I’m so happy you’ve hit the publish button on this! It’s always important to wait until you’re ready to do so, but it must have been such a relief to do so. I’ve had a post sitting in my drafts for over 3 years now that I’m still too scared to publish!

    This is such an interesting read too as I’d never heard of demi-sexual either. You’re so right when you say sexuality is more complicated than we think and it’s great that everyone’s orientations are finally being considered. I’d love to read more posts on this subject too!

    1. Thank you Leigh – it means a lot! ❤️️ Yeah every few months for a good few years I’d sit and tweak it and then send right back to drafts 😂 neither had I until my teenage years I just thought you were sexual or asexual and that was that! Yes I think there is a lot more too it than we realise. Thank you!

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